I have a lot of strengths. I’m generally very positive and focused on spreading light. I also am fairly aware of and attentive to my mindset and my needs.
But I also am good at allowing myself to be more vulnerable, ushering in typically unwelcome thoughts, feelings, and moods. I’ll allow it all to marinate and create an unsavory, mental goulash.
All day I was tending to a batch of this soup, stirring it and giving it attention. I was sprinkling in newly seasoned thoughts and tossing in freshly diced feelings. At some point in the day I could tell the odor of it was reaching my coworker and it was affecting the energy of the room. When this awareness has hit before, I have tried my best to pull myself out of the kitchen of my headspace and into the present moment, honing my attention to making eye contact, smiling, and activating stored up positive energy or feeding off that of those around.
Today was one of those times where instead of inspiring me to snap out of it, I spiraled a bit further into self-loathing and guilt. I could feel the weight of my cross necklace plunk against my chest and I traipsed down another passage of telling myself I wasn’t being a good ambassador for Christ and that I should feel ashamed.
On the car ride home from work, I was a bit uplifted by music and a podcast episode. I also told myself that a workout would surely help pump up the dopamine. And it did help. I also took the advice of what one of my instructors always says, “Enjoy the moment,” and I used all my senses to really take in the moment. But the part worth writing home about, or rather leaving right here to share, came post workout.
It’s been raining often and I’ve wished that I could see a rainbow, but haven’t this season. I looked out the window and noticed it was starting to rain again. A small thrill coursed through me and I jumped up to go play in the rain and dance around a bit – longing to be cleansed and revived by the cool, heaven water. Then I caught a glimpse of ROYGBIV and RAN outside to see a full-on rainbow, right there awaiting my attention. I walked barefoot on the coated concrete, through the wet grass, and through small puddles. I danced around and smiled up at the gift that I welcomed in as one meant for me. My heart gave a shudder as some purified thoughts and feelings swept through my body. Even though I felt that I didn’t show up for God today, God showed up for me. It doesn’t matter if I aim to do everything perfectly, if I’m just me, or if in my eyes I fail because God will always show up for me. He was giving me a little God-wink, reminding me of promises He has made to all of us, that I have internalized and meditated on.
It gets hard to soldier on and keep believing when you feel like you don’t SEE any progress. But even though I can’t necessarily see it, it’s happening and God’s promises remains true, just like the promise behind the rainbow – even if we can’t always see rainbows. It makes me smile to think that they’re actually always there, they are just revealed after the air is purified.
Thank you, Jesus for showing me a rainbow at this point in time when it was perfect timing for me to receive the fullness of what it meant to me and for it offering a bigger picture of the fulfillment of Your promises.
“You are for me, You are with me, You’ll never leave.” -“Never Leave” by Red Rocks Worship
The Human Condition